Beeeeeep. You've reached the voicemail for the Miami Dolphins. No one's going to answer, because everyone is out doing what they can to guarantee that this season will suck even more than last. And considering that we ended last season 1-15 (and thus celebrated that one win like it was the Super Bowl), that's really saying something. Clearly, we want to hold both perfect records - the only perfect winning season, and the perfect losing season without that pesky single win. We'd already gotten rid of most of our other talent (in exchange for nothing), so it was really only a matter of time before we traded our only Pro Bowl player for a sack of footballs. Thanks Miami - this season's going to be AWESOME! And Bill - you're an asshole.
Beeeeep. You've reached the voicemail for the Atlanta Falcons. Yes, we realize that D'Angelo Hall is one of the best corners in the league. And yes, we realized that we traded him to the Raiders for nothing (because what do the Raiders really ever have to offer?). And that's right - we have NO replacement. So let's see - now we'll go from losing yards only on the side of the field D'Angelo WASN'T playing to having open season on the defense. Fantastic. Sure, he's got an attitude problem - but when you can shut down almost every receiver out there, what's a little attitude got to do with it? Plus, Steve Smith started that fight. Look, you wanna get rid of him? Fine - but get something for him!! I don't know, maybe a certain orange-and- black-wearing receiver currently disgruntled with his Midwest team? Seriously, you guys do this for a living, right? So are we ready for some football? Sure. As long as our fantasy teams don't suck as much as our actual teams do. And if either of you teams want to prove me wrong by pulling a playoff run out of your tush, be my guest. I'll gladly eat my words.
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